This is an entry from my 2016 journal
What does consternation mean?
It is the feelings of anxiety or dismay, typically at something unexpected.
After fulfilling my citizenship privilege to vote, I was overwhelmed by the joy of seeing my garage so neat and clean. Suddenly, I realized that my husband had only lived in this house for five years. Therefore, I have outlived him five years and three months here. And I looked back and see the Lord is amazingly good. “The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes”. Psalms 118:23.
When the sudden disappearance of my husband and the dissolution of our marriage, I was totally shocked. At the beginning of this odyssey I was sure I knew my Lord and Savior, but after all my prayers, fasts, true faith displaced and lived, I am not quite so sure I do.
He is at the forefront of my storm, He looks strange, I see an aspect of Him that chills my heart to the core and makes my whole spiritual life gasp in horror. I have been on my knees praying and fasting, believing without a doubt that He will rescue my husband. But he set His face like a flint and His steadfast determination terrifies me. I felt my liver spilled, my tear glands went dry. Jesus is no longer my Pal, He is taken up with a point of view unknown to me, and He amazes me. At first my confidence of knowing Him was totally perfect, but now I’m not so sure.
In my crossing through the wilderness I began to understand there is a distance between the Lord and me, I cannot longer be familiar with Him. He is ahead of me and He never turns around; I have no idea where He is going with my daughter, my husband and ministry, therefore, the goal has become strangely far away.
As Jesus was a Man of sorrow, He had to understand every sin and sorrow a man could experience, and that makes Him seem strange. When we see Him in this aspect we don’t know Him, we don’t recognize one feature of His life, and we do not know how to begin to follow Him.
Today, March 15, 2016, I realized more clearly how satisfied and complete my life is. The first five years in this house were with many uncertainties, I was constantly assaulted by instant and shocking surprises from investments, loans and new acquisitions. The garage, like the lawn were a mess, the house and cars in disorder and the constant fear of a new surprise. As per today, my Savior has seen me through all my sorrows and losses, and He turned them into so much blessings!
By His grace I only owe love! I am free to help my children, they all have good vehicles, homes and when emergencies have assaulted them, the Lord has prepared me as His Mark 6:41 to supply. Seven years without my husband and how much abundance and protection the Lord has given me. He has blessed my life, my mind, my body and my finances! I am incredibly grateful!
I have been under this discipline of consternation and I see it fundamental in my life. His grace has equipped me to endure the darkness of dismay in my personal life and the result of it. It is an indescribable joy! This discipline helps me to continue to endure with determined faith until my daughter’s soul’s desire for a child, my husband, and my ministry is over. I trust the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart, even though I can’t always understand! Thank you Jesus! What a wonderful God we serve!
I got a fresh revelation which is:
Everything in life is an addition. The only reality is the kingdom of God and His justice, so my marriage is just an addition. I have what is real, I have Jesus and His kingdom!
This is my Story! What is yours?