My Deposit in Heaven

This is an excerpt from my Grieving Journal, November 24, 1993

This journal was my prayers, my way to cope with my pain for my son’s death.

My precious Heavenly Father:

I bless Your holy name and thank you so very much for the recovery that you are helping me achieve.

Last night on the news, Fillip was thanking You for Your miracle. I also thanked you because I had prayed for him, but then I realized that his mother has a miracle child, and I don’t. I wept. I did not cry with the excruciating agony I experienced before, but with deep sadness.

The afternoon was getting dark and my husband was still at the church construction site. My heart was so broken that I decided to drive to meet him. While driving through the Rolling Hills Baseball League, my soul was pierced into thousands of pieces. And I parked in the church parking lot and read chapters 52 and 53 of Isaiah, when I finished reading my face was bathed in tears, not because of Kelbyn, but because of Jesus.

How much I appreciate Jesus and his sacrifice for me! Last night you reminded me of this verse:

“For these things I suffer, but I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed (deposited) to Him until that Day.” (2 Timothy 1:12 MEV).

I have never been so interested in heaven until I have my deposit there. Oh, I know my valid deposit, my passport is my Jesus, but Kelbyn is what has motivated me the most to be so interested in it.

Since yesterday You’re making me aware that Kelbyn is my miracle child. I saw three policemen beating up two men and the thought struck me that Kelbyn could have been one of them. I realized: “Kelbyn is my miracle child because my Father rescued him and no evil  will ever  touch him anymore.”

You also made me aware that my painful discontent is not about my son, it is about my relationship with you. I felt abandoned and betrayed because You allowed me to drink the cup of death. I have been so bitter because the image of my family is dead. I don’t miss Kelbyn, it’s the childhood wound in me that drives me to yearn for that family Ethiopia.

I saw myself as a child abandoned by You. That was my agony. Today, after 851 days, I am still not fully recovered, but I am far ahead. Thank you my Heavenly Father.

I wonder what it’s like to be in Paradise! I feel that when I’ll be  there I will say: “So much anguish and pain down there on earth and here in Paradise I am aware of everything here and on earth!”

One of the most torturous pains is the unknown, but in Paradise we will know it all:

” What we see now is like a dim images in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete–as complete as God’s knowledge of me.”  (1 Corinthians 13:12 GNT).

I think all my grief energy has been so wasted, because there is no reason to mourn for someone who is extremely happy like Kelbyn is! I trust in You, Father. I thank you this Thanksgiving Day (11/24/1993), for Your grace that has filled me with strength to continue walking with peace and hope in this process.

This is My Story!  What is Yours?