This happened on August 31, 1991, at approximately 8:30 a.m.
In one of my lowest moments, after the death of my firstborn; I had a direct encounter with darkness. Until that moment, I hadn’t known its depth. In that instant, I experienced that darkness wasn’t a mere abstract noun, but a concrete one.
I was on my knees, leaning on the bed, talking to God. Suddenly, my soul sank into an abyss. The darkness seemed like a platform where my soul remained in its embryonic state. I was suspended in the air; I didn’t fall, as if the darkness itself were a floor. Everything was like a completely black wall. It was cold. And there wasn’t the slightest feeling of love; only total abandonment.
The most terrifying and unbearable thing was the absence of God’s love. The walls of darkness seemed drenched in God’s disdain. His presence was there, but at the very top, like an enemy. Over the abyss, a lid covered it, and through a tiny crack, a hair-thin ray of light filtered in. Somehow, I could feel God’s august and majestic presence through that tiny opening. I felt like a mouse, and a cat was just playing with me; not ending my misery.
The only way to describe hell is its depth, as if it were from heaven to earth. But there isn’t a single trace of light; everything is completely dark. And you’re there, paralyzed, alone, with no one else around. I didn’t feel any sensation of falling; I was more or less stuck there with a horrible feeling of not belonging; totally alone.
My then-husband walked into the room and exclaimed, “Honey, there’s a Presence here!” And in a defeated voice, I moaned, “The devil?” He ran to hug me and, with a heavy heart and deep compassion, said, “No, honey, God is here!”
The moral of this experience:
God taught me the difference between when He is with you and when He is not. My pain, bitter and incomprehensible, was thinking that God had abandoned me when my son died. I finally understood! The reason I didn’t need medication to soothe my anguish was because He was with me, even though I couldn’t feel His presence. And this is also the reason why millions of Christians are able to endure unspeakable torment for Christ and not deny Him.
“O Lord, you are my lamp. The Lord lights up my darkness.” (2 Samuel 22:29 NLT).
This is my Story! What’s Yours?