Month: December 2021

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The Authority of Consternation

This is an entry from my 2016 journal  

What does consternation mean?

It is the feelings of anxiety or dismay, typically at something unexpected.

After fulfilling my citizenship privilege to vote, I was overwhelmed by the joy of seeing my garage so neat and clean. Suddenly, I realized that my husband had only lived in this house for five years. Therefore, I have outlived him five years and three months here. And I looked back and see the Lord is amazingly good.  “The LORD has done this, and it is marvelous in our eyes”. Psalms 118:23.

When the sudden disappearance of my husband and the dissolution of our marriage, I was totally shocked. At the beginning of this odyssey I was sure I knew my Lord and Savior, but after all my prayers, fasts, true faith displaced and lived, I am not quite so sure I do.

He is at the forefront of my storm, He looks strange, I see an aspect of Him that chills my heart to the core and makes my whole spiritual life gasp in horror. I have been on my knees praying and fasting, believing without a doubt that He will rescue my husband. But he set His face like a flint and His steadfast determination terrifies me. I felt my liver spilled, my tear glands went dry. Jesus is no longer my Pal, He is taken up with a point of view unknown to me, and He amazes me. At first my confidence of knowing Him  was totally perfect, but now I’m not so sure.

In my crossing through  the wilderness I began to understand there is a distance between the Lord and me, I cannot longer be familiar with Him.  He is ahead  of me and He never turns around;  I have no idea where He is going with my daughter, my husband and ministry, therefore, the goal has become strangely far away. 

As Jesus was a Man of sorrow, He had to understand every sin and  sorrow a man could experience, and that makes Him seem strange.  When we see Him in this aspect  we don’t  know Him, we don’t recognize  one feature of His life, and we do not know how to begin to follow Him.

Today, March 15, 2016, I realized more clearly how satisfied and complete my life is. The first five years in this house were with many uncertainties, I was constantly assaulted by instant and shocking surprises from investments, loans and new acquisitions. The garage, like the lawn were a mess, the house and cars in disorder and the constant fear of a new surprise. As per today, my Savior has seen me through all my sorrows and losses, and He turned them  into so much blessings! 

 By His grace I only owe love! I am free to help my children, they all have good vehicles, homes and when emergencies have assaulted them, the Lord has prepared me as His Mark 6:41 to supply. Seven years without my husband and how much abundance and protection the Lord has given me. He has blessed my life, my mind, my body and my finances! I am incredibly grateful!

I have been under this discipline of consternation and I see it fundamental in my life. His grace has equipped me to endure the darkness of dismay in my personal life and the result of it. It is an indescribable joy! This discipline helps me to continue to endure with determined faith until my daughter’s soul’s desire for a child, my husband, and my ministry is over. I trust the Lord Jesus Christ with all my heart, even though I can’t always understand! Thank you Jesus! What a wonderful God we serve!

I got a fresh revelation which is:

Everything in life is an addition. The only reality is the kingdom of God and His justice, so my marriage is just an addition. I have what is real, I have Jesus and His kingdom!

This is my Story! What is yours?

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A Letter to God

A Carefree Living

Father, there is a deep longing in my soul to worship you in the heavenly way. In my soul the penetrating desire to love and worship You increases. This morning I asked you to help me to worship you heaven style, my thought was to express my gratitude and love with all kind of emotions. But instead, You have introduced me into an atmosphere of tender care, it’s as if my prayer is answered with Your tender love for me. It’s a carefree feeling, although there are lots of inconvenient issues. There is a blessed assurance deep inside my soul that everything is in Divine order for me.

Is this worship heavenly style? It is not I who gives you, but you, infusing your life in my spirit! I am the container, a deep pot and you fill it with your essence! You created me twice, the first time you formed me from the dust and breathed the breath of life into my nose (Genesis 2: 7). In that state I was just a living person, very knowledgeable about the natural environment. I was very aware of my dusty habitat and enjoyed the land. But the law of gravity had a strong hold on me and my eyes were always fixed downward. And there is just room for myself, because I am just a living person.

Not so with Your second creation, dust was not the composing ingredient. In my first creation there was no blood. Blood, was the main factor through the Spirit of God to make the second creation. And Ephesians 2:10 says I am God’s masterpiece. He created me anew in Christ Jesus. God ‘s purpose in creating me the second time is different than the first. The first time He created me a living person, now He created me for a life of good deeds.

Those good deeds include a spiritual temple, according to 1 Peter 2:5, God created me as a living stone that He uses to build His residence and He also made me His holy priest. No wonder I feel so cared for by You!  Storms come and go and I am carefree, there is an abundance of well-being within me that prevents me from worrying.

Now I am so aware of how it is worshiped in heaven. “…Christ fills all things everywhere with Himself”  (Ephesians 1:23).  And in Him I’m full and complete. I am so cared for by You! This atmosphere of complete well-being is heavenly worship! Thank you for this revelation. Amen.

This is My Story! What is yours?

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A Solution to a Frightened Thought

A Letter to my Friend in Asia

On November 1, 2017, a sudden thought pierced my soul.

Beloved friend.

If all of the sudden, I don’t hear from you and I have no way to find out what happened! Oh my mind, … my heart got frozen! Then I thought, if I disappear you have no way to know either. It saddened me because I imagined that you may be concerned also. Then the greatest and most powerful human emotion visited me, grief; which I also embraced it as a testament to all the things that bring true happiness, love, appreciation, and gratitude.

Friend, I like to be prepared ahead of time for every small and big thing. In case our relationship be suddenly asunder from your side or from mine, we must be prepared ahead of time. We have nobody to inquire about our whereabouts. We have to keep our minds focused on that our relationship was born in God’s heart. And it will continue till eternity.

I’m planning to live 50 more years. My beloved friend, I’m not in the death business, nevertheless, our life is like a vapor. If one day you don’t hear from me and you don’t see me on FB, then check my Instagram, if I’m not there either, then is because He (the Lord) entered me into His marital chamber. But from there we, He and I– (Oh my God! This thought warms my heart! Wow,) what a joy that will be!), will be loving you!

My lovely friend, human beings won’t understand this relationship, because it’s not human, so just let’s keep it between us five (wow… 5! =Grace) Father, Son and Holy Spirit, you and I.

I pray you see my point, if not my darling child, we have no other option, I suppose, unless you do. But as you quoted Acts 17:28, in your first text to me, I quote it back to you now.
“For in Him we live and move and have our being…”


Beautiful child of God, I really, really love you! God wanted it this way!

“Two people can resist an attack that would defeat one person alone. A rope made of three cords is  hard to break.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

There is no greater love than to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.” John 15:13.

This is my story! What is yours?