Month: February 2022

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Unknown Path

This is an excerpt from my Grieving Journal, November 24, 1993

My precious Heavenly Father:

I bless you and thank you so very much for the recovery that you are helping me achieve.

Last night on the news, Fillip was thanking You for Your miracle. I also thanked you because I had prayed for him, but then I realized that his mother has a miracle child, and I don’t. I wept. I did not cry with the excruciating agony I experienced before, but with deep sadness.

Since my husband was at the church construction site, I drove there with a broken heart. And I read chapters 52 and 53 of Isaiah, when I finished reading my face was bathed in tears, not because of Kelbyn, but because of Jesus.

How much I appreciate Jesus and his sacrifice for me. Last night you reminded me of this:

“For these things I suffer, but I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed (deposited) to Him until that Day.” (2 Timothy 1:12 MEV).

I have never been so interested in heaven until I have my deposit there. Oh, I know my valid deposit, my passport is my Jesus, but Kelbyn is what has motivated me the most to be so interested in it.

Since yesterday You’re making me aware that Kelbyn is my miracle child. I saw three policemen beating up two men and the thought struck me that Kelbyn might be one of them. I thought: “Kelbyn is my miracle child because my Father rescued him and no evil can touch him anymore.”

You also made me aware that my painful discontent is not about my son, it is about my relationship with you. I felt abandoned and betrayed because You allowed me to drink the cup of death. I have been so bitter because the image of my family is dead. I don’t miss Kelbyn, it’s the childhood wound in me that drives me to yearn for that family Ethiopia.

I saw myself as a child abandoned by You. That was my agony. Today, after 851 days, I am still not fully recovered, but I am far ahead. Thank you my Heavenly Father.

I wonder what it’s like to be in Paradise! I feel that when I am there I will say: “so much anguish and pain there on earth and now, here in Paradise I am aware of everything here and on earth!”

I think all my grief energy has been so wasted, because there is no reason to mourn for someone who is extremely happy like Kelbyn is! I trust in You, Father. I thank you this Thanksgiving Day! (11/24/1993).

This is my Story! What’s yours?

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My Deposit in Heaven

This is an excerpt from my Grieving Journal, November 24, 1993

This journal was my prayers, my way to cope with my pain for my son’s death.

My precious Heavenly Father:

I bless Your holy name and thank you so very much for the recovery that you are helping me achieve.

Last night on the news, Fillip was thanking You for Your miracle. I also thanked you because I had prayed for him, but then I realized that his mother has a miracle child, and I don’t. I wept. I did not cry with the excruciating agony I experienced before, but with deep sadness.

The afternoon was getting dark and my husband was still at the church construction site. My heart was so broken that I decided to drive to meet him. While driving through the Rolling Hills Baseball League, my soul was pierced into thousands of pieces. And I parked in the church parking lot and read chapters 52 and 53 of Isaiah, when I finished reading my face was bathed in tears, not because of Kelbyn, but because of Jesus.

How much I appreciate Jesus and his sacrifice for me! Last night you reminded me of this verse:

“For these things I suffer, but I am not ashamed, for I know whom I have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed (deposited) to Him until that Day.” (2 Timothy 1:12 MEV).

I have never been so interested in heaven until I have my deposit there. Oh, I know my valid deposit, my passport is my Jesus, but Kelbyn is what has motivated me the most to be so interested in it.

Since yesterday You’re making me aware that Kelbyn is my miracle child. I saw three policemen beating up two men and the thought struck me that Kelbyn could have been one of them. I realized: “Kelbyn is my miracle child because my Father rescued him and no evil  will ever  touch him anymore.”

You also made me aware that my painful discontent is not about my son, it is about my relationship with you. I felt abandoned and betrayed because You allowed me to drink the cup of death. I have been so bitter because the image of my family is dead. I don’t miss Kelbyn, it’s the childhood wound in me that drives me to yearn for that family Ethiopia.

I saw myself as a child abandoned by You. That was my agony. Today, after 851 days, I am still not fully recovered, but I am far ahead. Thank you my Heavenly Father.

I wonder what it’s like to be in Paradise! I feel that when I’ll be  there I will say: “So much anguish and pain down there on earth and here in Paradise I am aware of everything here and on earth!”

One of the most torturous pains is the unknown, but in Paradise we will know it all:

” What we see now is like a dim images in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. What I know now is only partial; then it will be complete–as complete as God’s knowledge of me.”  (1 Corinthians 13:12 GNT).

I think all my grief energy has been so wasted, because there is no reason to mourn for someone who is extremely happy like Kelbyn is! I trust in You, Father. I thank you this Thanksgiving Day (11/24/1993), for Your grace that has filled me with strength to continue walking with peace and hope in this process.

This is My Story!  What is Yours?

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Moving From Beauty to Delight

My relationship with my Savior and Lord Jesus Christ grows as I worship Him in the beauty of His holiness. But it doesn’t stop there, because if I draw myself to Him only in beauty, what will happen when life gives ugliness?

Our relationship must move from beauty to delight! When you delight in a person, you want to be connected with him all the time. And so should be our relationship with the Lord.  

“Take delight in the Lord, and he will give you your heart’s desires.”  (Psalms 37:4 NLT).

This is my Story! What’s yours?

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What is Love?

Thought From my Exotic Garden, 10/11/2017

Love is not a metaphysical notion, it does not come from exploring the nature of reality, or the relation between mind and matter, neither substance and attribute, nor fact and value.

Love is the great reality, the desperate need humanity longs for, it’s a transcendental notion. Love comes as a Revealer and Comforter. Sometimes, it is an answer beyond proportional that comes in relationship. And it’s offered as an indweller presence. It’s the Peace that passes all understanding! It’s the Joy that fills all the crevices of the soul! It’s total satisfaction! It’s Jesus Christ, the Son of the Living God!

The Lord is the Mediator between Mighty God and humanity. And as He indwells us, we enjoy all His benefits of peace, joy, healing and everything that is derived from Him! My life is a living proof of His peace, joy, health, satisfaction, etc.

“For the Lord God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The Lord will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right.”  (Psalms 84:11).

Right now, you can get all these benefits. Say this prayer believing you’ll receive:

“Father God, I come to you in the name of your Son Jesus, to repent from my sins and to receive your gift of eternal life. I receive Jesus as my Savior to live for Him from now on. Please, write my name in your book and save me. Thank you, Father. Amen.

Now you are a child of God. I’ll be happy to help you to know the Lord better.

This is my email; you’re welcome to contact me. God bless you.

peaceforce@msn.com

This is my Story! What’s yours?

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How I Enjoy Each Season of my Life

“He has made everything beautiful in its time…”

Ecclesiastes 3:11

Each season has a peculiar beauty and I want to share how I enjoy each one.

My Marriage: 

We enjoyed a deep fellowship with God in prayers, Bible reading and partaking Communion, etc. We were intimate friends and love each other’s company.  For hours, we could talk about the Bible, as well as any other subjects.  We went to the gym and also jogged outside around the lake. He enjoyed my writings and paintings. I joined him in his flying and boating adventures. I enjoyed my marriage season of 41 years.

As a mother:

I enjoyed my children to the last drop too. I was a 100% mother, I participated in all their activities, I provided all the necessary things for my three beloved children. Humanly speaking, I lived for them until they got married. I was and still am delighted to be their mother.

As a daughter:

As a daughter I was blessed with parents who by their example taught me to love God. I learned from their wisdom to be who I am today.  Both blessed me with special blessings on their deathbeds. I really enjoyed that sweet season of my life.

Each season with its different hues adds a relaxing shade to my present time. Each one has its high and low moments, but God is always on His throne!  He is not surprised when we are assailed with enormous blows, His invisible power controls every movement and strengthens us!  The knowledge of His presence keeps me enjoying my present season.

We can enjoy each season of our life because there is enough grace for every trial. 1 Peter 3:10 is a vital resource for enjoyment:

“For, whoever would love life and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech.”

The tongue is a powerful weapon that can give life or death. We must learn to speak life to our circumstances. I have lived all kinds of seasons,  extremely painful, happy, good and a new normal season.  I’ll share one of each season.

Extremely Painful Season:

The death of a child is the most excruciating pain ever. When my 22-years-old son died, although the anguish was unbearable, God’s grace was sufficient. And He blessed me with a lovely husband and a beautiful congregation that lifted me up in prayers.  I don’t think I would ever face any pain greater than that, due to the shocking surprise. You never expect to outlive your child, it’s so incomprehensible that it doesn’t even have a name for it. When a parent dies, the child is orphaned, but when a child dies, how do you call the parents?  Just anguish!

Happy Season:

MCCG was a women’s ministry to help women going through midlife crisis. Through that ministry I was able to help many women, national and international. That was a very good and rewarding season. My now married children are a constant source of joy and satisfaction. God changed a sad date for a happy one, my first grandchild was born on the same day and month as the child I have now in heaven. So that date is a celebration, there is no place for sadness. Praise the Lord!

Good Season:

Our church and church school were flourishing, our 40th wedding anniversary was just around the corner. My husband fulfilled his dream of building his own house, financially and emotionally we were ready to reap the fruits of our labor. We could enjoy our empty nest. Seventeen years ago, I was overwhelmed with grief over my son’s death, but now my soul was restored. Everything was fine! However, my lovely husband underwent brain tumor surgery and his character changed. Forty years down the drain that ended in divorce.

A New Normal Season:

The Motto of my life is found in Acts 20:24,

 “But none of these things deter me. Nor do I count my life of value to myself, so that I may joyfully finish my course and the ministry which I have received from the Lord Jesus, to testify to the gospel of the grace of God” 

I have lived my motto for years and my life is full of joy and beauty. I am living a new normal, which I never dreamed of living.  But in spite of everything, the richness of  Almighty God’s  presence has lavished me with incredible blessings.  I feel so special under His loving care! His presence is constant in my house and I in my affairs.  I have never experienced loneliness. This is the result of knowing God and serving him!

When Jesus Christ is the Lord of your life, the season could be as black as the sea, but your soul will enjoy eternal sunshine!  Due to this reality, I have enjoyed every season of my life!  And if you invite the Lord Jesus Christ to come to your heart, you will be able to experience this joy!

This is my story! What’s yours?